The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
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I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
“you changed” bro i was 15
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.