According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
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Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.