I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
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I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
School be like
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Looking at you, Jesus.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Why I divorced her.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks