Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
You Might Also Like
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh