LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
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health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made