God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
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Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
From my Mom
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
umm…
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents