Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
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y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.