If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
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An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack