I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
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People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
my sentiments exactly
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I’m going to need a moment here.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”