4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
You Might Also Like
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire