My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
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ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans