Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
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Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I don’t get marriage
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
“HOW” – dyslexic owl