I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
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KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!