Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
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If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?