“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
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dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Delightful if true: booby trap.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*