There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
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My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
More like Kate Missington.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.