I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
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getting corrected
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.