ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
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Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I love wikipedia
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’m not stressed
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.