Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
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Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
🤣
Herpes is trending, good job people
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
im all 3
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!