Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
You Might Also Like
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Every BBC series about the universe.