You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
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Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.