please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
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When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Super Hand Dog Face
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town