Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
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just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]