[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
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Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Me as a therapist: omg same
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.