Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
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Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Meat Cute
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*