My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
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Cartman: Respect my
a a
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
every. time.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.