The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
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the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard