Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
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things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
❤️🦆
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.