Hilarious if literal: arms race
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Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I left this letter from âManagementâ on the doors of an apartment complex
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
If youâve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Lmfaoooooo
ChatGPTâs primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-lawsâ.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: thatâs not what I said
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”