Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
You Might Also Like
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone