not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
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If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.