Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
You Might Also Like
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*