here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
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Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.