At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
You Might Also Like
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Solving a traffic jam
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.