Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
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The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I’ve been drinking.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW