I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
You Might Also Like
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
concern
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms