Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
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[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?