“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
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[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.