In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
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Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Social Media and Real life
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
don’t we all
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.