I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
You Might Also Like
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.