Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
You Might Also Like
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.