I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
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People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.