No chill.
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“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
work smarter, not harder
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Legend 🤣🤣
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”