[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
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Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
This hospital has everything
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
😩😩😩
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you