I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
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Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?