A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
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Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
*pronounces patio like ratio
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
i will not be silenced
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.