Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
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“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now