Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
You Might Also Like
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.