When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
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when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.