Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
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Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)